Tag: My Long Road Back

‘The Serene Disciple’

When in the soul of the serene disciple
With no more Fathers to imitate
Poverty is a success,
It is a small thing to say the roof is gone:
He has not even a house.

Stars, as well as friends,
Are angry with the noble ruin.
Saints depart in several directions.

Be still:
There is no longer any need of comment.
It was a lucky wind
That blew away his halo with his cares,
A lucky sea that drowned his reputation.

Here you will find
Neither a proverb nor a memorandum.
There are no ways,
No methods to admire
Where poverty is no achievement.
His God lives in his emptiness like an affliction.

What choice remains?
Well, to be ordinary is not a choice:
It is the usual freedom
Of men without visions.

— Thomas Merton —



Serene disciple - thumb

In the Soul of the Serene Disciple


— My ‘Shahada’ —

. .
After many years of prayer and contemplation, I now choose to spend the remainder of my life drawing closer to God and this post marks the occasion of my Shahada:



. . ‘Ash hadu an la ilaha illa Allah’


“I bear witness that there is no God except Allah.” 

. .


My Bookshelf .

On trust:

Image: Joel Robison
Image 2012 © Joel Robison

“Trust yourself, you will start to trust others.”

Santosh Kalwar  ~

Most of us have felt betrayed. We know its pain and anguish. Stumbling on, looking for a safe place, fearful and shut off from trust, determined that no one will hurt us again.

It’s worse for those of us who, like myself, have betrayed our fellow beings for we’ve learnt a terrible truth — anyone is capable of betrayal.  I know this, because, as an undercover agent, success depended on me gaining the trust of my targets, knowing all the while that, come the end of day, I would betray them.

And so it was I lost all trust in myself . . . locked inside what Graham Greene described as the most terrible cell of all, oneself. And it got worse: if I can’t trust me, how could I ever trust you, went my reasoning.

Cold and lonely, yet feeling safe.

It was a sad exchange — safety is a desolate place.

Then, in one of life’s little ironies, which I write about here, the pain of my situation brought me to open my heart, and with that came Love. It gifted me an understanding and a forgiveness for my betrayal — and, more importantly, an empathy with others; an acceptance of the human condition.

I trust myself again . . .


Some of my related notes:


On blame:

Image: On bitterness and blame ― blood on barbed wire.

“As I walked out the door towards the gate that would lead to my freedom,
I knew if I didn’t leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I’d still be in prison.”

~  Nelson Mandela  ~

Blaming others for my predicament and troubles was a useful salve for many years; by thinking others were at fault made me feel better. It also relieved me of any need to face the truth about my situation, its cause, and the self-destructive nature of my life.

As a long-term strategy for life — blaming sucked — because nothing ever changed and I remained caught-up in a cycle of reckless, dangerous behaviour headed nowhere.

Only when I looked inwards at myself, was honest with myself, did I even begin to free myself . . . Junot Díaz describes it thus: “But if these years have taught me anything it is this: you can never run away. Not ever. The only way out is in.”

On loss . . .

Image: of loss and griefImage 2012 © Kris Trappenirs

“It’s only after we’ve lost everything

that we’re free to do anything.”

~  Chuck Palahniuk  ~

“Loss” is a sacred gift — although I’ve needed to experience it many times and in many forms before I understood this simple truth.

We associate loss with pain and for most of us the pain of our loss will feel unbearable: the loss of a loved one; our reputation or social status; our health; a career; maybe our wealth; the loss of our liberty through incarceration. Everything we know can be lost.

We feel this pain in our hearts like a deep aching wound and it’s understandable we may try to block it off. In desperation, some of us resort to medicating ourselves with drugs or alcohol, some partake in reckless and dangerous behaviour — anything, but anything, to stop the pain — and yet our hearts only become hardened by turning away.

Pain opens our hearts and allows a connection with the Divine. It is a blessing.


Forgiveness . . .Image 2012 © Pure-Poison89

“An eye for an eye will leave everyone blind . . .”

Louis Fischer  ~

Forgiveness is a powerful method of healing — although, for some of us, forgiveness is not yet an option because we are attached to our suffering and pain. It’s as though our grievance identifies us, or tells us who we are as a person, and the desire for revenge remains a powerful obsession.

Some of us become consumed by this obsession; it poisons us, and destroys our lives.

Forgiveness releases us from that dark and desolate hell. When we open our hearts, the Light comes in . . . it’s a gift to ourselves.



Some notes about poisonous fruit . . .

On fear

On fear (3)

Prison of the mind . . .Image 2012 Ulrika Zafrafans

“God enters through the wound.”

~  Carl Jung  ~

The opposite of Love is not hate — it is fear — an evil, debilitating state which bears us poisoned fruit. We hate what we fear and our fear comes of suffering and pain, or some injury that’s been brought on us. Our fear keeps us locked-down inside, incapable of fulfilling our lives.

We cannot live in fear forever (it’s not humanly possible) although some of us will remain fearful throughout much of our lives, until the turning point is reached. For me, it took around 30 years — running and hiding, running and hiding — until, standing quietly beside the road one day, my personal turning point was reached.

Fear is cured by its opposite, which is Love, and I feel both grateful and blessed for my suffering and pain because it brought me to open my heart . . .



Please allow me to introduce a friend . . .

Led by Love


“There are only two feelings. Love and fear.
There are only two languages. Love and fear.
There are only two activities, Love and fear.
There are only two motives, two procedures,
two frameworks, two results. Love and fear.”

~  Michael  Leunig  ~

― Perjury ―

“In New Zealand, police corruption is investigated by . . . the police.”Image: Jennifer Chase

“In New Zealand, police corruption is investigated by . . . the police.”

Regular readers of my old Blog may recall that in November 2007 I wrote to the Chief Justice of New Zealand, Dame Sian Elias, and confessed telling lies in court to obtain convictions against my targets while working as an agent-provocateur for the Crown.

New Zealand Police followed up with an independent inquiry, an evidential interview, plus a criminal investigation — and now, five years later to the day of my original letter, I write to the Minister of Police with an Official Information Request for copies of five relevant reports.

My request (today’s date) and the Minister’s response (same day) are on-line here:

Information Request



Some background material and a summary of events . . .

My letter to the Queen

Escape from hell . . .

“Those who escape hell however never talk about it and nothing much bothers them after that.” ~ Charles BukowskiImage 2011 © Patrick O’Brien

“Those who escape hell however never talk about it
and nothing much bothers them after that.”

~ Charles Bukowski ~



Today’s date . . .

Dagaz – Runic reading